Lets Talk About Sex: Bedroom or Bonfire?

Welcome back to this month’s topical blogging series where Suzan Isik and I discuss writing sex.  We’ve talked about what a character’s underwear says about them, with Suzan covering the ladies and myself covering the gentlemen.  Last week we talked heat levels and language appropriateness.  This week Suzan is discussing timing – and I’m talking location.

Everything I say you have to put through the filter of who your characters are, and what you’re writing.  If you’re writing an erotic novel about a sexual freebird the same advice won’t work for a virginal Christian romance.  There are some basic things though that are unbelievable and quite frankly make the reader raise their eyebrows and laugh.

Once you have decided when it is appropriate for your characters to become sexually involved you want to pick the setting.  Do you want traditional or something a little more creative?  And where shouldn’t your characters get jiggy with it?

First off, lets cover places that are a good idea to set the scene.

The Bedroom.

It’s classic.  Everyone has one, and you don’t have to worry about a lot of external factors.  Most sexual encounters people write about are bedroom scenes – and that’s fine!  But don’t forget the details.  Maybe add some candles for a sweet setting, or if your characters are more exploratory you can incorporate toys or other bedroom furniture.  The bedroom setting is always a good place to get the groove on.  This could also be a hotel room if you’re writing location scenes.  It’s the same idea.

Other Household Locations.

The shower or bathroom have become staples, and the kitchen is showing up more and more often in books.  The thing about your characters house or apartment is that this is a place where they feel comfortable and safe.  For a lot of romance books sex will stay in the house.  The characters might play naked tag, but that’s okay because the blinds are down and the curtains drawn.

Out and About.

Placing sex outside of the house or home setting can get tricky.  I’m going to talk about what not to do in a moment.  For now, lets talk about the adventurous ones.

There are a lot of places that you can use as the setting that are outside of the home.  The important thing is to use that character filter.  A modest character won’t be comfortable being thrown up against a brick wall in an alley.  A character who is a thrill seeker looking to live out some sexual fantasies will.  If you’re looking for places outside of the box to use as your setting think through your day and make a list of where you go.  Turn around and make the same list for your character.  Now you have springboard locations.  Is your character a kinky computer whiz that has the only set of keys to the server room?  Possible location.  Does your hero an outdoorsy kind of guy who finally takes the woman of his dreams camping?  Possible location.

Don’t be afraid to get creative, but there are some things you want to take in mind when setting your location.

What Not To Do.

Have you ever been in the middle of reading a romance and the characters start going at it on the forest floor?  Or in the middle of a really dangerous situation?  That kills the story for me.

There are two big red flags when it comes to the setting of a sexual encounter.

First, think about comfort.  Let’s be honest here, sticks and rocks aren’t comfortable.  I know that there are plenty of changeling/shifter/were stories that have earthy creatures that get it on in the forest and every single time I think: ouch!  Sex on the beach sounds lovely, but sand in tender places hurts when you’re just swimming – add in the bumping and grinding and heck no!  Now, everyone can probably think of at least one successful scene in which a location I’ve named was used successfully, but think long and hard before you use a setting.

Second, think about what else is going on.  I’m sorry, but dropping your pants for a quickie in the middle of a zombie attack will make me close a book faster than anything else.  Pausing in the middle of a battle scene to get your groove on doesn’t make sense.  Why would the enemy not shoot them both and laugh about it?  A character who is worried sick over her missing son might want to do something to take her mind off how scared she is, but sex isn’t going to derail her.

Make Smart Choices.

In the right circumstances everything I’ve said can be tossed out of the proverbial window.  The most important thing to do is not lose sight of who your characters are and what they would conceivably do.  Under the umbrella of paranormal and erotic you can get away with a lot, but don’t forget that your readers are average people.  Sure a lot of people want to live vicariously through a less inhibited, beautiful, kick ass character for a while, but there are limits.

Let’s Talk About Sex with Suzan

Today our series on writing sex is over at Suzan’s blog.  She’s talking language in romance books.

Boys have a Penis, Girls have a Vagina

Lets Talk About Sex: Discovering your Heat Level

My partner in crime, Suzan Isik and I are holding a series on writing sex.  We’re talking about everything ladies and gents!  Last week Suzan talked about peeling back the layers of your heroine and how her panties are an expression of her inner self.  I talked about how a man’s underwear type is a glimpse of his soul.

This week we’re dividing to conquer.  Tomorrow Suzan is going to be discussing language specific to romance books, but before you know to add the three C’s to your favorite words or dog ear your thesaurus on your favorite words – you need to know your heat level.

What is a heat level?

A heat level when discussing romance rates the sensual content.  A low heat level denotes something you might rate G or PG in the movies while a hot heat level boarders on NC-17.  Some readers are bored to tears by the first, shy away from the second and really want something right in the middle.

Low Level or Sweet Romance

These stories are appropriate for everyone except the youngest of readers.  These stories focus on the emotional journey of two characters falling in love.  The romance is between two committed characters, often with strong family elements and a focus on the pursuit of love, marriage and traditional values.  There may or may not be a consummated relationship, but chances are the sex is closed door, fade to black or nonexistent.  There are no quivering members, tingling body parts and no graphic detail.

Most YA’s fall into this category.  It’s sweet and innocent in a way that a lot of romance today is not.  Religious romance fiction is often of this type as well.

Moderate Sensuality

There’s more wiggle room in this area than with Sweet Romance.  We’re still talking about a relationship between two committed individuals who are more than likely thinking about tying the knot.  Moderate can be described as sweet with more sexual tension.  Unlike sweet, romances of a moderate sensuality can use some adult language, clinical terms for body parts and love scenes that are described to some extent.  Most of these romances are fun and flirty though some will delve into a darker attitude.

A lot of fantasy books have moderate sensuality levels.

Sensual Romance

Some people will argue with me and say that the next step is erotic romance, but I’m going to disagree for now.  Sensual romances can run the gamete of fun and flirty and dark and gritty but they focus on one hero and one heroine.  A big difference here is the language and where the relationships are headed.  First, these stories might not end with a trip to the chapel.  These characters might prefer living together in a common law fashion.  They don’t necessarily see the need of tying the knot to have a future together.  Second, the language is often graphic and explicit.  You’re going to start seeing a change of language as far as how body parts and sensations are referenced and a lot more creative sexual play.  Oral sex and intimate touching have become staples in this genre.

A lot of today’s romance and fantasy falls in this designation.  It’s hot, it’s steamy and you know exactly what body part we’re talking about when he does you know what.

Erotic Romance

A lot of things fall under the umbrella of erotic romance.  In many ways it’s sensual, plus the toys.  You’re mostly focused on two characters having a romantic journey as well as a sexual journey on top of the plot, but there are variations.  Multiple partners included with the consent of the primary couple.  Things get tricky plotting those three arcs, plus the subplots and everything else.  Erotic books push the bounds of what you might be comfortable with.  In addition to sex, characters will begin performing other activities from oral sex to bondage and indulging in fetishes.  You’ll see graphic language, explicit sex and adult language.

The erotic romance market is boobing.  Some ePubs have lines of erotic romance that focus on niche markets like fetishes and alternate lifestyles.

Exotic Romance

This is where the focus switches.  Before this we’ve had a romance and sensual journey at the heart of a story.  From here on out, romance may or may not matter.  There are entire lines that focus on the journey of the female protagonist exploring her sexuality without the bounds of relationships.  Characters can take multiple partners, have a few fabulous friends over.  Very little is off limits.  This is the category where literally anything goes.  These books aren’t for the faint of heart.  The details are often graphic, the sex no holds barred, and the language very adult.  Read with caution!

What are you comfortable with?

That’s the question you need to ask yourself.  From what you read to what you write, you need to be comfortable with it.  I’d challenge you to read above and below what you think you’re heat level is to see what’s out there.

Lets Talk About Sex: What does your character’s underwear say about them?

This month Suzan and I are talking sex.  Why?  Because we both write stories with romance in them, and sex happens.  Before you even get into the bedroom, you should probably have an idea of who your character is, what their attitude is, and if they’re a top or a bottom.  How people dress tells a lot about their personality, but their underwear tells you about their soul.

Like the soul, underwear aren’t seen by everyone – typically.  Yes, there are unfortunates who display their underwear as part of their daily clothing or occasionally you leave the house without realizing a shirt is a tad transparent, but by and large a person’s underwear are a mystery.

Suzan talks about women’s underwear on her blog today, and yes there really is a slot on my character sheets for underwear type.  While she talks about the different meanings of the brief, I’m going to discuss men.

Men get a bad wrap as being basic and unemotional.  We display them as primal, modern day cavemen in romance novels a lot of the time.  They’re protective and carnal, providers and jerks – and we still love them.  But what’s going on deep down inside?  While we can’t scrape aside the skin, we can peel down the layers to see their underwear.

Briefs

The tightie-whities!  This classic kind of underwear can say a lot of things about your guy.  Just because it’s a simple cut doesn’t mean the man inside is simple at all.  Thanks to modern day designers the brief isn’t boring anymore, but just because a guy can dress up the package doesn’t mean he’s the neo-gentleman.  With briefs you run the gamete of men who have never departed from mom buying their clothes to men confident in their commitment.

Momma’s boys are the classic cut white briefs with the skid marks.  Ewe.  I know.  While these men might be able to stand on their own, they’re not going to be creative in bed or on dates.  Pass.  Just pass.

On the flip side, men who are comfortable in commitment might like a tight fit.  They’re into a long lasting relationship and while they might not be adventurous, they can be mind blowing when it comes to the simple pleasures in life.  Wine and roses?  These guys know how to treat a lady.

Boxers

I remember being a teen and thinking that there was no way whatsoever that I’d date a guy who didn’t wear boxers.  These guys were laid back, fun to be around and we made great friends.  But I didn’t date many guys who wore boxers.

Boxers are all about comfort.  Statistically these are supposed to be the undergarment of choice for guys, because everyone’s wearing them.  Men who prefer boxers are one of two types, which is dangerous.  First, they’re frauds.  They want to be like everyone else, wearing the goofy underwear.  They want to hang lose, but don’t have the commitment to go full on commando.  Chances are the boxer wearing frauds are going to cheat on you.  Scary, huh?  But the second kind of boxer wearing guy?  He’s genuine.  He’s laid back.  He’s going to love breakfast in bed and slow, lazy sex.  He’s also a bit of a mischief maker.  These chameleon kind of guys can make or break a relationship and it takes getting to know them to decide if they’re worth the risk or not.

Boxer Briefs

Sometimes the best of both worlds.  Men who wear boxer briefs either know how to compromise or don’t know how to make up their mind.  This underwear choice is becoming increasingly popular with the rise of fitted jeans for men.  What’s not to love about the support of a nice fit and no chafing while you’re breaking in a new pair of jeans?

Still, be careful of the boxer brief wearing man who is inconsistent and can’t make up his mind.  He probably has commitment issues and is likely to cheat on you or never admit to his best friends that you’re his girlfriend.

With a guy who wears boxer briefs you’re getting someone who can keep it classy, but liven up the atmosphere.  He can compromise, letting you top him for a while, but he’s not against playing a practical joke on you.  They can be the best fly by the seat of your pants partners in crime, but surprise you with a well thought out plan for seduction.  Just because he’s a classic on the outside in his black suit doesn’t mean that deep down he wants to tickle your senses.

No Underwear

Either someone forgot to do their laundry – or they are confident in their identity.  Wild cards, they can be very down to earth, embracing the natural side of life or the one to introduce you to the darker side of life.

What do you think his type is?

You see a lot of these in romance books, the alpha male that allows the heroine to unzip his pants and his quivering member jumps hot and ready into her hands.  A lot of girls think that the commando is a myth, but trust me ladies, they exist.  These are no limits men.  There are no boundaries that will hedge them in, nothing too taboo or sacred to bar them.  Commandos are the true alpha males in our world.  Careful when you get involved with them because they might ask more of you than you’re ready for – like a night at his favorite BDSM club or a nudist camping adventure – but he’ll say it all with confidence you can’t ignore.

With a commando it’s easy to get in over your head.  Know when to say no, memorize your safe word, and if you’re uncomfortable and he’s still pushing you – it might be time to make a break for it.

Thong

No, I’m serious there are men who wear thongs.  These guys are super outgoing, life of the party types.  You knew them in high school as the class clown and probably even at work as the guy who always has a sassy come back.  While they might not make for a long term commitment because their free spirit doesn’t allow for them to be tied down, sex with him will be an adventure.  Whipped cream, paddles and a midnight romp in public are all fair game to these men.  They love passionately but like a butterfly they don’t always settle down.

So what kind of man do you want to play the lead role?

It’s easy to dress up a package to make it look a certain way, but when you strip everything back to the elements the truth is in the… Yeah.  It’s there.  Getting acquainted with your hero’s soul, whether he’s a classic kind of dude or a whip cream wielding joker is key.  You’ve got to select the right kind of man for the job.

June Topical Blogging

I’ve been throwing around the idea of doing a blogging series about sex.  After talking about it with Suzan, we decided to both tackle the series together.  I’m going to be moving my blogging to Thursdays.  Topics are still being discussed, but we want to cover all aspects of written intimacy, so not just Tab A into Tab B.

Topics

• Cid - Men: What does your underwear say about you?
• Suzan – Women: What does your underwear say about you?
• Cid – Talking Heat Levels
• Suzan – Talking Language and Sex

Tune in starting Thursday for weekly installments!

Most searched terms…

Since today is Cid-blogs-badly day, I’m going to go ahead and post something fun and silly.  If you’re as OCD about anything as I am, you might understand my fascination of watching the stats on this here blog.  I track them; try to figure out what brings in readers, what keeps them and what I could do differently.  One of my favorite things to do though is to look at the search terms a person plugs into a search engine like Google in relation to how they get to my site.  Yes, this stuff is reported back to me.

My top three search terms?

1. Ancient Babylon
2. Creation story
3. Sex

I understand the first two.  My series in February was packed full of me talking about ancient Babylon.  I did a whole spiel about cultural creation stories even.  I get those two.  I’m more than a little curious about the sex ones though.  I won’t go through the different sex+ some other word searches, but they make me laugh!  I did one post about the difficulty and avoidance in writing intimate encounters and it’s skyrocketed to one of my most viewed blogs; makes me wonder if I shouldn’t do a blog series about writing intimacy.  Interesting fact? 50% of my search results are for some combination including ‘sex’.

Here’s a word cloud of my search terms.  I made this using Wordle on my lunch break. Time to get back to work!  (Dude, this is my first work-blog…wow)

Do you have a site?  What’s the search term that’s surprised you the most? The funniest?

*Just going to give Suzan a shout out, um, I stole her idea.*

Reading outside your comfort zone.

Last year I set a goal for myself to read outside of my comfort zone.  I discovered that there were things I liked reading that I wouldn’t have had I not looked outside of the norm for myself.  There were also things that I didn’t want to read again because – I just didn’t like it.  And that’s okay.

A lot of my abnormal reading centered around exploring romance genres.  Before I was okay with romance arcs, but I rarely read anything where the romance played center stage.  And now look at me.  I’m a romance junkie, wholeheartedly.

I was reading a romance wherein the heroine wants to explore some of her fantasies.  She makes a point in saying that the books she’s read up until those adventurous phase of her life kicked in allowed her all the control.  She could continue reading or she could put it down and never go back into that world or the situation again.  Now, the character had some specific curiosities and reading the book I found myself thinking that I would never read those kinds of books!

During one of my rereading phases I picked this book back up and read it and when I got to the particular exploration part again, I still had the same thoughts but I also stepped back and asked myself: Is it fair to make this kind of judgment if I haven’t even read anything like that?

Nope, it’s not fair.

So I’m reading some genre erotics and see what I think.  I’m calling myself out.  In the past I’ve read some erotic books, but they were by accident or for review.  (Yes, there is a difference.)  The difference is that I’m selecting them.  I’m also going to read a mystery.  I cringe at the thought, but the mystery plot device plays into so many other genres that I shouldn’t have that kind of a knee jerk reaction.  I’m sure that I’ll add something else to this pile of things I should read, but those are the two that I have had the most bigoted response to reading.

Here are some recommendations from my reading so far:

• Alien Revealed by Lilly Cain (Carina Press title)- This is a longer sci-fi novella.  I was skeptical when I read about it being about aliens and I expected to  DNF.  I was wrong!  The race and universe building were really good and I’m genuinely interested to see if there is more that explores the alien race.  It has plot, it has spies, it has sexiness, aliens with mental powers and natural tattoos, and it has very light bondage.  Not what I was expecting, in a good way.  (Note: there is a second book in coming out June 13th called Naked Truth that features two characters introduced in AR.)
• Anything by Julia Devlin – I met her doing #1k1hr sprints on twitter, and I’ve read all but one of her ebooks.  Her books, they sizzle.  You can tell through the descriptions what the couple’s thing is.  Pride and Surrender, mostly just downright sexy, one kink bit.  A Whole New Light isn’t for the faint of heart.  It explores the sub/dom dynamic.  Riding the Rail is another sexy one, the characters seem to have a thing for public places.
• Wizard Moon by Michele Bardsley – super funny, but this is not for the weak of heart.  The story is quite naughty, but told with Michele’s trademark humor and snark.
• The Bottom Line by Shelley Munro – The heroine explores her interest in spanking, and hilarity ensues, and then tragedy.  Very light kink, lots of funny.  I need to look through her other books.  Her writing was fun, and she’s from New Zeland and her characters play rugby.  Um, heck yes?  Rugby games are way fun!

Is there a genre you don’t read, or topics that you refuse to read about?

Lets talk about sex.

So Saturday night I’m supposed to be writing that pivotal moment in the middle of my romance where the hero and heroine can actually get it on.  All of the assumptions and lies that they thought were true have been disproved and there’s nothing holding them back from acting on their carnal desires for one another!  There’s just been a fist fight, they’ve bared their emotions and the connection is there.

It’s actually building up to be a really great emotional, sexy scene…

And I decide to do the dishes.

And then check up on that Facebook contest I entered.

And then I really should play with my new graphic editing software.

But I have to look up pictures!

And then there’s Twitter…

And suddenly it’s 9pm and I have no sexy scene written and at least an hour of time I’ve wasted away procrastinating.

And I have come to the conclusion that I need to stay away from the word ‘and’.

But the other conclusion is that: writing those emotionally charged, sexy scenes is hard.  Not the mechanics.  Once it gets rolling, please, it’s like connect the dots, it’s everything that happens before that I find difficult to write.  The foreplay, especially for people who have thus to be emotionally unavailable to one another.

Writing romance is a lot of deciding how far is too far and how far is enough.  Are you writing a sweet romance or erotica?  If you’re going to have sex, how much, how hot, or how detailed?  What are you comfortable reading or writing?  How do you go about deciding this?  Do you procrastinate when it comes to writing them?

How do you decide all these things?

I spend time flipping through some of my favorite romance books when I’m going to write romance.  Is that wrong?  Maybe.  I never take scenes from books – let me say that outright.  I look at how I see the scenes were crafted, what works, and then how I think my characters would react.

While writing the scene, I’d planned for the characters to go from A to B.  Easy peasey!  Except things started rolling and I realized that my female character is inhibited enough that she’s not just going to jump into bed with a man, no matter her attraction to him – and I had to write a whole progression from A to B to C to D.  When it was all done, I had a much more emotional progression of events than I would have if I’d stuck to my original plan.

Writers, when you write sex scenes, how do you decide how far is too far?

Readers, what do you think about sex scenes?  Are there things you won’t read?